ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION

I have had an anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember but  was almost fifty when PTSD was diagnosed:
despite spending a fortune on psychiatrists and psychologists from the early 1980’s onward.

PTSD and PND were not acknowledged in my day.

I started writing this to say that I have always respected all life?

It isn’t learned behaviour:

Where did it come from?

Then started an “about me”.

***

I was born in Wigan Lancashire  close to midnight on 19th February 1949

 to a mother who wanted a son:

 and couldn’t have anymore children after my birth:

Blamed me and never loved me.

We arrived in Outer Harbour South Australia a fortnight after my third birthday.

I had 63 years of physical and mental abuse from my mother

 and two abusive husbands:

There are at least six  horrific traumas:

Each would have caused  PTSD on its own.

PTSD (or PND) were not acknowledged in my day.

I spent a fortune on Psychiatrists and psychologists from early 1980’s onward.

I was almost fifty when diagnosed with PTSD

Traumas —

My mother shutting me in the wood burning part of the wood stove when lit at age four –then pulled me out and told everyone that she saved my life.

I have flashbacks to when I was in my cot  in the UK;  guessing about 18 months old:

All I remember is how  I felt emotionally and my mother screaming abuse at me.

“Came to” while under anaesthetic in 1974:

Came out of anaesthetic in 1992 with horrific chest pains and the bed vertical:

Told they nearly didn’t get me back.

Being chased by my  husband wielding an axe.

In a two seater aircraft that was spinning downwards.

This makes seven –

 Being kicked and bashed by mother  on Christmas day 1993

 a month after having surgery (hysterectomy).

***

At about age seven I thought our culture was wrong but also thought it was just me because I was strange and didn’t fit in.

As soon as I found out where meat came from I didn’t want to eat it.

My mother gave me a bashing and I was served the same meal for breakfast lunch and tea until I ate it.

Mother also threaten to have me put in a mental institution which was quite possible in those days.

In my late teens I thought that there were way too many humans in the world but again I thought it just my being weird and a misfit.

***

In the 1970’s I was a member of Animal Liberation

 Greenpeace

Women’s Lib.

And a decade later Trees for Life:

With the exception of women’s lib all these organisations have become impotent bureaucracies mostly populated by people trying to be trendy.

***

My first job was working with computers that were the size of wardrobes in refrigerated rooms.                   A job that I had to give up when I got married because married women were not allowed to hold government jobs.

I later worked on a switchboard in Melbourne where we typed telegrams that were dictated over the phone.

I worked at the Weather Bureau at Townsville airport in the 70’s when the Vietnam “war” was still going on.

 I operated the telex.

Back in S A I went to teachers college as a mature student because uni was free and worked part time as a barmaid..

I dropped out with only two units to finish because my husband’s brother had given us his sons to look after permanently.

My husband quit his job and there was no money coming in:

No social security in those days:

mind you if there were we wouldn’t have been entitled as husband had quit:

so I dropped out of teachers college and went looking for work.

(My tutors made me promise that I would come back and I did manage to go back and finish one unit)

Worked in an institution for people with intellectual disabilities.

I did general nursing.

In-home care:

My last job was in a local nursing home.

I had to give up work because of my health

a decade ago.

***

Have suffered with chronic pain and sleep deprivation for a decade:

With the exception of osteoarthritis my health problems are medical and surgical mistakes.

I am allergic to pain relief:

Pain and sleep deprivation can cause depression and anxiety.

To end on a cheery note: 😀

“My” home and property are a sanctuary

I adhere to “Ahimsa” as best I can.

These wattle were planted by the birds 😀

(And there are bees 😀 )