MOTHE’S DAY MAKES ME CRY

It is MOTHERS DAY in Australia

Mother’s day was originally to celebrate the mother goddess

When the Romans introduced Christianity they could not get rid of the pagan festivals so every church festival was originally  a pagan festival

I do not object to those who had loving mothers celebrating Mother’s Day

Actually I just cry and wish that my mother had loved me

So many of our culture’s accepted architypes and norms are not true

One is that mothers love their children

There are many of us whose mothers didn’t love them –many more than I originally thought.

Some whose mothers didn’t love them are fortunate to have a spouse that does –others go through life never being loved

I thought my mother most beautiful and intelligent,

So it must be because “I am useless a failure a disappointment neither use nor ornament –cannot do anything right” that she didn’t love me

  (This she told me regularly and reinforced by making me do everything at least 10 times –and still not right – when I was young –and constantly criticising me when I was an adult)

Mother obviously had mental health issues

there was no way she would acknowledge this as there was such a stigma in her era –she was born in 1919

It is hard to love oneself when one has never been loved

(I have the best children and grandchildren so I am loved but it doesnt help me love myself)

I am in my 70s I still have no self confidence and constantly criticize myself

This year I had been trying to love and forgive her– never lasts – not long before I am reminded of her lies.

Psychologists tell us to try and understand what a parent’s life was like.

They also say “Go to a time and place when you felt safe” – there isn’t one

I have flash backs to when I was still in my cot

Imagine what it is like for a child whose mother would just change into a screaming bashing psycho without warning

When my first child was born – her advice was – “if she cries put her in her cot:

  shut the door

 and let her cry herself to sleep “

I didn’t follow this advice

Must have happened to me but I don’t remember

I was never hugged

I have blocked out a lot of my abuse but somethings will occasionally trigger a flashback.

When  I was already going to school my mother pushed me into the wood burning part of the wood stove when it was lit and shut the door: She then pulled me out: wrapped me in a blanket and told people that she had saved my life after I crawled in. I had first degree burns.

When I was ten my mother was bashing me with a scrubbing brush and had also washed my mouth out with soap.

 I said to her “I haven’t done anything wrong”

 and she told my that she just felt like bashing me.

 Despite this, for over half a century I believed that I deserved abuse because this is what everyone told me.

“YOU MUST HAVE DESERVED IT”

When my Dad was dying I took her to the hospital every day and we stayed for most of the day.                         

 I had been helping the morning shift and when the roster changed Mother went crying to the RN who came back and glared at me.

When we collected Dad’s things after he died this RN told me off for abusing my mother!

My Dad was a lovely person but was never allowed to pay me any attention or my mother would have a screaming fit.

 On his death bed he asked me to look after her.

 I did so, not just because I had promised Dad that I would but because I was hoping that my mother would love me and be nice to me.

NEVER HAPPENED

She would say nice things about me to people that knew me and tell these lies to people that didn’t

Sometimes the stories would come back to me:
othertimes I would wonder why people were being nasty to me for no reason

She would tell lies about how horrible dad was or how horrible I was to her and most people believed her

I was almost 64 when she died so I am not going to rave on about a life time of her abuse

It would fill a large book

  Toward the end she wasn’t allowed to be alone so until I got her a placement in the nursing home she stayed with me – I slept on the couch an gave her my bed

It was difficult to get a placement for her because nursing homes liked people to have an house to sell as a deposit

Mum had an housing trust unit – which she insisted I keep paying the rent on because she thought she would go back.

When I eventually found her a placement in a local nursing home her clothes had to have name tags pressed on. She apologised to the staff for my being too lazy to sew them on. Although this time her attempt at insulting me didn’t work the staff just presumed it was her age!

I will be spending Mother’s Day by myself but a don’t mind at all