My reason for writing this is twofold:
To heal the resentments I have toward my Mother
And to highlight the fact that it is not that long ago that women and children had no rights
I always loved my Mother but it seemed that she didn’t love me
I have flashbacks to her screaming at me when I was still in my cot
Her physical abuse was scary and would have put her in prison in this day and age
She actually admitted that she bashed me because she felt like it
when at age ten I said “I haven’t done anything wrong”
“ I just felt like it”
Her mental abuse continued up to and including the week she died
The mental abuse has definitely programmed my brain’s “hard drive” as I have no confidence and I criticise myself continually.
I do not wish to feed my resentments further instead I wish to try and understand why.
Mum was the second to youngest of ten
Three boys and seven girls
She came top in primary school and high school and won a scholarship to go to college
She wasn’t allowed to go.
She was sent to work in the cotton mills and a local shop and had to hand over her wages.
This is from my Dad’s eulogy
“There is a beaut story of how Matt and Ada met. Ada had been invited to tea with a workmate Kathleen and her husband Stanley. When Ada got off the bus to walk to Kathleen’s place a fella got off at the same stop, and they proceeded to walk on separate sides of the road. He was going there too, just to drop in on his cousin Stanley. As you can imagine he focused some of his attention on Ada.“
When I was born Mum was raced to hospital because there were complications
but her doctor was playing golf and didn’t show.
She was in hospital for six months after my birth and (aunty) Kathleen looked after me.
Mum would have definitely had Post Natal depression – undiagnosed because it wasn’t even acknowledged
And Mum wouldn’t have told anyone that she was depresed because there was an horrific stigma to mental illness back then.
PND wasn’t even acknowledge in my day
I had PND with both my children
The first time I tried to kill myself by overdosing
– my husband tipped salt water down my throat and I threw up.
With my second child I could feel the chemical change and took myself to the doctor saying I was depressed.
He said “You have nothing to be depressed about:
go home and snap out of it!”
We moved to Australia on the ten pound scheme.
Mum took a “pressure cooker” course as teacher but she gave up the job because she was ridiculed for her Lancashire accent and told she could not be understood.
She worked as a nurse assistant after that
A job she was good at and loved
I was able to communicate with Mum when she first passed over and she gave a message that I thought was about my cousin Ken
Ken said it was for Joe, whom Mum called Percy (his actual name) and whom she used to look after when he was little.
After that i just refused to communicate with her.
I (wrongly) blamed her for everything that was wrong in my life.
Now that I would like to “link” with her I seem unable to do so
AND THOSE WHO READ THIS
I love the meaning of this word
The quote is from chopra.com
One of the most common translations of namasté is
“The divine light in me bows to the divine light within you.”